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Friday, June 18, 2010

trusting myself

All I can say is HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!! Seriously I love Friday's (especially now that I'm done teaching for the year, ha!), not as much as I love Saturday's, but that's okay. A couple glasses of Polka Dot Riesling (Side note: I only bought it because I collect cute/unique wine bottles but this stuff was actually good! Two large glasses worth :O)) I'll just use that as my excuse if anything in this post doesn't make sense!

I've been putting this post together in my head all week now and it just hasn't been coming out right but it's something I need to have down so that I can read it over and over again in the future. I've been talking a lot about listening to my body lately and trying to figure out what that means exactly. I'm pretty sure if I let it, my body would "require" lots of Reeces peanut butter cups and lengthy midday naps in the sun.

However, this past weekend I was proven wrong. I was out of town for a girlfriend's birthday fiesta and ended up staying with her for a few days. It was a blast! Buuuuut, she doesn't eat the same way I do. She's perfectly fine having a bowl of fresh fruit fuel her workout and skipping meals. Her body just works with it. Mine doesn't. Last weekend I fueled my body with a lot of processed crap. No I'm not proud of it, it's just how they eat and I didn't want to be rude and say "ewww, no" plus I was in splurge mode and ready to loosen up my eating habits.

Something funny happened over the weekend though. My body revolted. I was rarely hungry, even though I was eating only 3 times a day (and not large meals) and occasionally munching on a few things here and there. When I did eat, it was usually processed foods or foods that I don't normally eat (cookies, desserts, etc.). By the time I left Monday morning, my tummy was very angry with me. I was craving veggies and grilled chicken breast. Tuesday, I ate normally and was surprised at how hungry I was all day. It was literally like I couldn't fill my body up with enough good food to satisfy it.

My epiphany came that afternoon. My body knows what it wants and what it needs to be healthy. Think about that statement, such a small sentence but for me it was earth shattering. My body craves fresh, organic, unprocessed foods. It craves fruits, veggies, nuts, and lean protein sources. It does NOT crave junk food and processed crap.

I need to trust my body more. For years I've been telling it to eat this, don't eat that, starve, run faster, eat this many calories, ban this food, blah, blah, blah... only to find out that it actually knows what it wants. I am giving calorie counting a break. I have been to obsessed with hitting my macronutrient ratios and only eating certain foods. I am truly committing to listening to my body, letting it tell me when its hungry, when its full, when I need to ease back on the workouts a little.

I've done this all week. My SparkPeople account has been very lonely this week. And in doing that, I dropped the 2 lbs. that all the crap food put on my body. I feel more relaxed about food and about my body. I feel mentally and physically healthier because I am letting my body dictate what it needs and not my mind dictating what it thinks I *should* need.

Truth? I'm a little scared. This is the most I've ever *let go* of control with food. Ever. I'm afraid I'll gain weight. I'm afraid my body fat will go up. I'm afraid my body wont know what it wants. In spite of all that, I'm committing to finding out. Because for the first time, I feel like that controlling OCD eating disordered girl is just a little bit further away from me. And that feels good.


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