battling the binge

Today was just one of those days. It wasn't particularly bad, just... off. Yes, "off" is a good way to describe it. I've been housesitting for a friend and had grand plans of laying by their huge pool all day but the wind definitely ruined that. I forced myself went to the gym this morning for one of my beloved Saturday workouts... and it sucked. I just didn't want to be there, I had to force myself to complete every rep, and even though I got a good sweat on I didn't feel much better at the end of it.

But the worst part of the day is that I completely binge ate. It's been so long since I've self sabotaged myself, and it hit today. I wasn't in a terrible mood, I wasn't emotionally eating, I was just eating crap. And lots of it. I was at my friend's house which is filled with (gluten free) junk food... (Side note: who knew so much junk food could be gluten free??? I thought that was code word for healthy but never would have put Cheetos, potato chips, chocolate covered peanuts, and m&ms in that list). Out of curiosity, I tried a couple bites of a lot of things (foods I don't have at my house) and then proceeded to keep nibbling on the good stuff all day long.

The old Christina would be sitting here right now, stuffed to the brim, and beating myself up one side and down the other. I would be calling myself ten kinds of horrible names, obsessively weighing myself, and planning a ridiculously low calorie meal plan and an intense sweat sesh for first thing in the morning.

But (yes there is a but!) I'm not stuffed, I had lots of little bites, licks, and nibbles, and a few too many handfuls of Cheetos, but I'm not stuffed to the brim. And tomorrow is my rest day from the gym, and I'd rather sunbathe and hang out with my family than get up for a 6 a.m. pre-church run. So for the first time ever, I'm going to let this one slide. I'm going to try to learn from it and then move on.

What I've learned:
* I need a game plan for unfamiliar settings. It's different at my house, where we have very little junk food and I have a set routine, this wasn't the case in this situation.
*I need to learn its okay to relax the rules (a lot) once in a while. I've been trying to "eat intuitively" and have been relaxing my strict eating rules a little bit, but I'm trying to learn that one day of crazy eating isn't going to undo all of my progress.
*Don't keep Cheetos in the house. I will eat the whole bag, yes even the family sized one. Nuff said.
*Have a portion, not a bunch of small bites. If I want a treat, I am the type of person that needs to measure out a portion of 1 or 2 treats and have that be it. All of my small bites add up to a whole lotta food throughout the day.
*I feel better when I eat healthy. No longer is it a chore to pre plan meals and eat veggies when my friends are eating chips. My body craves these things, and right now it is not happy with me for ignoring what it wants.
*Even after a binge, I will be okay. This one is MAJOR! Right now, I'm blogging instead of beating myself up. I'm relaxed. I still put on my bikini this afternoon, even after eating all that junk (I never used to do that). When I'm done blogging, I'm going to go sit by the fire with my family and roast marshmallows. And yes, I'm even going to eat a couple.

It's okay to let yourself off the hook once in awhile, so long as it doesn't become a habit. Tomorrow, I'll be right back on track, and in a few days this binge will be nothing more than a blip on the radar. This is being healthy to me and one binge isn't going to ruin all of that.

life is worth living

Confession... I haven't thought about A Beautiful Mess at all in the last week. Not beyond the passing thought of "I should probably sit down for an update." It's not  for a lack of post ideas- I've got those coming out my ears. These past couple weeks, instead of being glued to my computer screen for hours a day, I've been out living life. And it's been wonderful. In fact, I wouldn't change it for the world.

So instead of blogging I've been spending lots of time out here:

Doing lots of this:

Gettin my tan on (with suncscreen!)

Playing with this adorable duo

Eating lots and lots (and lots!) of these:

Those are fresh from our garden I might add :O) The mass amounts of strawberries, pineapple, apples, watermelon and veggies I've been consuming are not, however, they are deeelicious :O)

I've been helping out my momma with her garden and flowers

Spending lots of time with the momma

Isn't she perrrty? Plus she's my official gym buddy now :O) Workouts are so much more fun with someone else there, even if we don't usually do our workouts side by side.

I've spent lots of time sweatin it out on this:

  Source

And lifting lots of these:

Source

And spending incredibly large amounts of time goofing off with this little monkey (aka my sister)

There have also been copious amounts of hiking, running, sweatin it out with the trainer, eating, guzzling water & ice tea like there's no tomorrow, laughing, and drinking vino. To me, this is what summer is supposed to be like: living, laughing, and having fun. So while this means irregular blog posts, it's all worth it. The blog will still be here when I have time to update. My Google Reader will still be full when I get around to it. I'm finally in a place where I am happy and confident enough to enjoy my life, and I'm not going to take this time for granted. Right now, I'm off to hang out with my siblings and spend some time out in the garden before likely ending up doing the same thing in the last picture :O) I hope that you are off enjoying your summer as well! Happy Friday :O)

Dear Trainer

Dear Super Awesome Trainer,


I would just like to take a moment to thank you for all of the hard work you've poured into me, errr, worked out of me. Without you the gym floor would stay much cleaner since I would be watching tv instead of sweating it out on the stairclimber. I would be much richer (training sessions, classes, supplements, heart rate monitors, food, etc. all really add up!) but also much fatter (which makes all of the above so much more worth it).  I would like to say thanks for showing me that it's not impossible for me to do a push-up from my toes (or 50 depending on your cruelty level for the day). I would like to say thanks for giving me the evil eye when I told you my favorite beverage was Diet Pepsi and making me do push-ups because I weighed myself in spite of what you said. And as a suggestion, I would like to ask that I never hear the words, "I'm going to time you" again while I'm sucking air on my 3rd set of reps. You have no idea what kind of torture that brings me. Thanks for all the "sweat equity" you've helped me put into that gym, by now there should be enough to build another one dontcha think? Oh by the way, the fact that you're not bad to look at sure makes it a little easier to survive those torture training sessions, although when the evil eye comes out all bets are off.

Sincerely,


Christina


Okay so 95% of that would never come out to my trainer (ha! Blogging anonymity at its best) it's still kind of funny to read. Truth is I adore my trainer. I've made no secret of my adoration for him. In fact, with some mad Google skills you can find a video testimony that I did for him awhile ago where I sing his praises for 3 minutes straight. I will have you know that all that praise did not get me out of a seriously brutal workout afterwards!

My trainer has not only pushed me further than I ever thought I could possibly go, but he's also showed me how to push myself. For the first time in my life, I am healthy. I am well within a healthy weight, bmi, and body fat percentage. I am eating. I am eating enough, I am eating healthy, and most importantly I'm eating. I've never been able to say that before when I was losing weight. I have learned so much since I started training with him. My brain is a wealth of knowledge about all sorts of food and fitness related tips, tricks, websites, articles, and other various information. I have started to create my own workouts and adapt old ones in new ways. I am starting to figure out how to use what I know to inspire and push my friends and family to become healthier and more balanced. Who would have thought that I, the princess of disfunctional eating habits, could be a healthy resource?

All of these good habits have combined to help me lose a total of 15 lbs. since December 2009. This has equated to over 30 lbs. of fat. Wow, that's a lot of nasty fat to come off of one body! I've dropped over 15% body fat since I started training with him, including 4 inches total since I started his bootcamp class in February. I have never, ever, been proud of my results until today. I've never taken the time to slow down, and listen to my body and do things the slow and steady way. Throughout this experience, I have become more in tune with my body and what it needs. In doing that, I lost any need for the latest diet fad or exercise craze. I know me better than I ever have before both physically and emotionally. I know what I'm capable off, and exercise has released a powerfully confident girl.

The best part? I'm not finished. The trainer told me once that until I can stand on an exercise ball, on one leg, while doing kettlebell presses (or something wacky like that) that there is always room for progress. I love that mentality, because while I am incredibly proud of my progress, I want to keep pushing myself further. I am standing at about a 25% bodyfat and now that I know I can go there, I want to see if I can hit and maintain 20%. I want to keep getting stronger. Instead of going to the gym because I feel like I have to, I go because I want to; because my body craves it. 


Fitness for me was a life changing experience. When I started to figure out the physical stuff I had the confidence to take charge in other areas of my life. Now that I've got that, I'm not stopping until I've pushed myself as hard as I can. It's going to be quite the journey, but I'm finally healthy enough to be up for it :O)

vino

Ahhh Sundays... I am thoroughly enjoying ending you with a large glass of riesling and a movie with my daddy. Happy Father's Day!!! I have to say that I am exceptionally spoiled by my daddy, he's pure amazing :O)

Today was very enjoyable and spent honoring my wonderful father. We started off going to church, then came home to a huge barbecue with steak, chicken, homemade potato salad, fresh watermelon, corn on the cob, cake and fresh brewed ice tea. This afternoon I played fetch with the puppers until they were too exhausted to run,  went on a walk with the fam, cooked dinner, and then brought out the vino. Overall, a great day :O)

Tomorrow's plan looks like back to normal, ie: no more cake. I am rather proud of myself because I have enjoyed a regular sized piece of cake as well as a large glass of wine today and no food guilt. Reading that sounds a little silly, but this is a big step for me and I'm proud of it :O) Who knew a little glass of vino could mean so much? Tomorrow will be back to normal eating and exercising. The trainer has encouraged me to work on adding more activity to my day outside of the gym, so that means I'll have an excuse to play with the puppers and go on more walks. No complaining here!

I'm off to make some not so vegan overnight oats ala Oh She Glows (I use fat free milk, skip the vanilla-because I usually forget- and use vanilla Muscle Milk whey protein). In the morning I usually mix in about a 1/2 ish teaspoon of cinnamon and sometimes some fruit (frozen the night before, fresh right before eating). Sooooo yummy!! I'll try to post pics sometime.

I think that's my body's way of saying "yup cake was nice but lets get back to normal okay?" In spite of the massive sweet tooth I used to have, a lot of sugar and "off" eating really messes with my system and my body just can't handle it anymore. Weird how things change huh?

I'm also going to try planning my lunches for the week. My momma is super organized and plans out our dinners at least 2 weeks in advance (helps cut down on her  grocery bill) but since school's been out our schedule has been a little bit wacko. Sometimes that means no lunch till 1 pm (Ack!!!) and lots of Cliff Bars to satisfy hunger. Not the best nutrition or  foods. So this week, we are going to try to plan out our lunches in advance to help us stay on track with eating healthy, whole foods. I'm hoping it avoids the way I've been putting off eating until I'm dizzy and weak... not good!

Alright bloggy, I'm off to finish the glass of vino and hit the sack for an early morning devotional time and then a serious sweat sesh at the gym. Peace out yo!

blogging accountability

As is very obvious from the lack of consistency in posting, I've been having some issues with maintaining this blog. Often times I'll sit down to write an entry and nothing will come out. I don't want anything I write about here to feel forced or contrived so I'll bail after a few minutes and head to Google Reader for "inspiration" aka to waste hours and hours of time being immersed in other peoples blogs.

Tonight while I was on a mission to conquer my Google Reader and read ALL of the posts (I had over 150) I came across an old post from Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit. It's from awhile ago (here if you're curious). It's all about what would happen if you did certain things and one of the bullets was "What would happen if you blogged to hold yourself accountable?" Of all the points in that post that I related to (and there were many) that one hit close to home.

I didn't start this blog to have millions of readers who come to me for all things health and fitness. I started this blog to share my journey, to hold myself accountable, and to use it to help push me towards my goals. Just putting that down on "paper" feels like a weight has been lifted. I don't have to find interesting topics to post about. This is my space. I don't have to post everyday, this isn't supposed to be another thing I can beat myself up over. I can change my mind about what goes up here and most importantly, have fun with the bloggy.

I really do love blogging. This is completely different from my personal blog that I've had for years. It's new, and fresh, and fun. I love sharing things even if nobody else reads them and so I'll be doing just that whenever the urge strikes me :O)

trusting myself

All I can say is HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!! Seriously I love Friday's (especially now that I'm done teaching for the year, ha!), not as much as I love Saturday's, but that's okay. A couple glasses of Polka Dot Riesling (Side note: I only bought it because I collect cute/unique wine bottles but this stuff was actually good! Two large glasses worth :O)) I'll just use that as my excuse if anything in this post doesn't make sense!

I've been putting this post together in my head all week now and it just hasn't been coming out right but it's something I need to have down so that I can read it over and over again in the future. I've been talking a lot about listening to my body lately and trying to figure out what that means exactly. I'm pretty sure if I let it, my body would "require" lots of Reeces peanut butter cups and lengthy midday naps in the sun.

However, this past weekend I was proven wrong. I was out of town for a girlfriend's birthday fiesta and ended up staying with her for a few days. It was a blast! Buuuuut, she doesn't eat the same way I do. She's perfectly fine having a bowl of fresh fruit fuel her workout and skipping meals. Her body just works with it. Mine doesn't. Last weekend I fueled my body with a lot of processed crap. No I'm not proud of it, it's just how they eat and I didn't want to be rude and say "ewww, no" plus I was in splurge mode and ready to loosen up my eating habits.

Something funny happened over the weekend though. My body revolted. I was rarely hungry, even though I was eating only 3 times a day (and not large meals) and occasionally munching on a few things here and there. When I did eat, it was usually processed foods or foods that I don't normally eat (cookies, desserts, etc.). By the time I left Monday morning, my tummy was very angry with me. I was craving veggies and grilled chicken breast. Tuesday, I ate normally and was surprised at how hungry I was all day. It was literally like I couldn't fill my body up with enough good food to satisfy it.

My epiphany came that afternoon. My body knows what it wants and what it needs to be healthy. Think about that statement, such a small sentence but for me it was earth shattering. My body craves fresh, organic, unprocessed foods. It craves fruits, veggies, nuts, and lean protein sources. It does NOT crave junk food and processed crap.

I need to trust my body more. For years I've been telling it to eat this, don't eat that, starve, run faster, eat this many calories, ban this food, blah, blah, blah... only to find out that it actually knows what it wants. I am giving calorie counting a break. I have been to obsessed with hitting my macronutrient ratios and only eating certain foods. I am truly committing to listening to my body, letting it tell me when its hungry, when its full, when I need to ease back on the workouts a little.

I've done this all week. My SparkPeople account has been very lonely this week. And in doing that, I dropped the 2 lbs. that all the crap food put on my body. I feel more relaxed about food and about my body. I feel mentally and physically healthier because I am letting my body dictate what it needs and not my mind dictating what it thinks I *should* need.

Truth? I'm a little scared. This is the most I've ever *let go* of control with food. Ever. I'm afraid I'll gain weight. I'm afraid my body fat will go up. I'm afraid my body wont know what it wants. In spite of all that, I'm committing to finding out. Because for the first time, I feel like that controlling OCD eating disordered girl is just a little bit further away from me. And that feels good.

Sometimes...

Sometimes things just hit a little to close to home for my comfort... I had a great post started about my first ever outdoor trail run today but truthfully, as I was finishing it up I just wasn't feeling it. Today was a day that I broke through some mental barriers. It felt great at the time but it left me feeling a little raw and unsettled, like I don't quite know where to go next.

"What if I told you that I was going to not let you judge yourself on

the scale number
what food you ate
how much you exercises
what your inches are
what clothes you fit in

Then….what would be your focus? Where would you find validation? Where would your happiness come from?" 
 Mish @ Eating Journey

As I was reading this post (quoted above) @ Eating Journey, things just kind of hit me. I've had such a complex (about a lot of things) but especially about running. See even though I'm physically strong now, I'm still mentally weak. I'm still often crippled by self doubt and negative self-talk. I'm working on it, but it's a tough battle. Today I broke through one of those barriers in running 5 miles straight. And I loved it, it felt good to feel so strong. But pushing through that block, left me feeling a little unsettled. I kept thinking "what now? I've been so wrapped up in "I love to workout but I'm not a runner" and various other "I can't" statements that now that I can't say that, what am I? In the past I've spent so much of my life wrapped up in disordered eating habits, compulsive exercise, binge eating, dieting, failing, getting healthy, and exercising that my mind instantly started searching for something else to identify with. Not just anything, but something negative; something else that I couldn't do.

After seeing that post, I do wonder who I would be if I wasn't ruled by the scale. If I could live by how my jeans fit instead of that number. What could I do if I wasn't ruled by the desperate need to only consume healthy, whole foods? How much more relaxed would I be if I wasn't consumed by trying to lower my body fat percentage or by dropping inches each month? How much more enjoyable would shopping be if I didn't have to judge my happiness by the pants size? Where would my anchor point be?

There's a fine line between control and obsession and I've been dancing on that line for awhile now. Friends and family say my 6 day a week gym habit is dedication but they don't see that it's the fear of being overweight again that drives me there every day. I'm applauded for my meticulous healthy eating habits, but nobody knows that it's driven by an irrational need to distance myself from the girl who binged herself to 30 pounds overweight in 6 months. I have friends who gape over my salad love at restaurants but they don't know that it's only because I'm terrified of what's really in whatever they're eating. I am struggling to find a balance between becoming healthy and becoming obsessed with becoming healthy. And yes, it is a struggle.

Who would I be if my life wasn't ruled by irrational fears and an insane need for control? I really don't know... yet. But I am going to find out. Because I am tired of letting these fears eat away at my happiness. Because life is more than food and exercise and being healthy. Because none of this means anything if I can't enjoy it. Because I deserve more. Even if I don't believe that right now, I know it's true. I'm on a journey to find freedom in a healthy lifestyle and I'm strong enough now to know that I can't let these demons beat me. This time, I'm fighting back.